An Unexpected Path to Self-Love through Relationship by Pixie Hamilton

I love Laurel's blog entry about Surrendering to Difficult Relationships.


But in reality, what is missing for me in this blog is the “reality.”

That reality, for me, is that the answers to these very important steps can only arise from a state of spiritual maturity, growth, and self-love. 

Authentic handling of these steps requires a space of clarity and openness; a willingness to be vulnerable; and, most important, a space in which you first love yourself, without the affirmation of those around you and outside the boundaries and expectations of our social world.

I lived this reality.

My marriage was in tatters in 1996. For the next seven years I tried everything – anti-depressants, counseling, self-help books, church(es), more counseling, alcohol, and obsessive working and career climbing. Thoughts of suicide became more and more common. 

I now know that I fought for this most intimate relationship in the most absurd way – first, without any self-love and self-worth, and second, in the company of others, allowing their influence to take precedence. Social norms and pressures prevailed, keeping the marriage vows and knot tied for more than 20 years.

Finally, I could not take the relationship any more. I garnered enough courage to somehow edge out my fears. I left. Broken. Shamed.  I left feeling like a failure. Socially, I felt unacceptable.

No doubt, I left my marriage in fear and resistance. I didn’t surrender to the relationship out of love.

I couldn’t.

I had to first connect to me - my spiritual core to love myself. I had to tap into the universal love, abundance, intelligence, and peace that were in me all along before I could love someone else, authentically.  Only in that space could I ever surrender to a difficult relationship like my marriage.

Over the last decade, through gratitude, meditation, prayer, friends, and mentors, I returned to love. It’s in that space that I can authentically develop, maintain, surrender, and, yes, leave relationships (if my true self leads me that way).

I realize now that my soul won. I left that relationship to save myself.

In 1996, these "relationship steps" most likely would have annoyed me. I wouldn’t have understood their essence.

Today, in my space of self-love, the power of those steps is amazingly alive and resonating.  In fact, in a space of self love, surrendering to relationships in this way becomes a natural way of handling life.

I now view all relationships as gifts—opportunities to surrender to myself, others, my core, offering more views of forgiveness, boundary setting, self-realization, acceptance, awareness, and life.

I also see relationships as dynamic. They can’t be possessed or bounded by a time frame (and certainly to a "death do we part" perspective). I accept that each will change. I depend on my true self to guide me on their shape. I now know that it’s ok to let them be or go, and if that means leaving a marriage or changing a relationship with a parent or child to evolve into something else, that’s ok, too. As long as the changing occurs in a space of self-love.

Many years after my divorce in 2005, I reached out to my ex-husband from my space of love (not fear or resistance) to establish a relationship at a different level. I remember it as one of my most scary, courageous, vulnerable and forgiving acts. Unfortunately, he was not receptive and that relationship never evolved.

And that's ok.

It wasn’t about him.

It was about me, and the continued growth of my soul.

The relationship was one of my greatest gifts in this world. And, I love him more for that gift every day.

Life is a Journey - Where are You going?

Life is a journey, the more conscious the journey, the more likely you will arrive. Where am I going on my journey? I know where I want to go, and I am there every day now! Does this make sense to you? It will if you get on the Conscious Life Journey. The more consciously I choose, day in and day out, the more I experience exactly what I want and what I know I am meant to be here doing. I have paved the way and I love to help others down the path of living the life they deeply desire.

Here are a few thoughts for you to consider if you are ready to take the Conscious Life Journey.

* You must be willing to be rigorously honest with yourself. Getting to your real inner truth may take a little time.

* You must be willing to risk. Risk feeling a broken heart, risk ending relationships, risk finding the work you truly love and leaving what you know, risk changing the status quo around you and upsetting the apple cart for a time.

* You must be willing to commit to Yourself. This is huge! My greatest challenges have been following through acting on what I say I want when other people's needs and wants arise and appear conflicting with what I have committed to in my heart.

* What you will receive in gifts far outweighs any of your expectations or hopes. The risk and commitment lead to more amazing experiences, revelations and joy than your conscious mind can imagine right now. You will see.

* You must let go of managing the details of the journey and focus on your part. Mostly we have been conditioned to control what is around and outside us. This journey requires a reconditioning to learn the art of letting go, but remaining active in your experience.

Sound intriguing and frightening? Good! Then you are ready for your Conscious Life Journey. The first step is saying yes. The next is acting on something your inner voice has been speaking for you to do. It doesn't have to be an enormous life-altering act, although it can be. But it must be something you have sensed you must do, but have continued to set aside. The time has come to say yes to You, making a commitment you long for at the deepest core of your being.

The Mountain Journey

Say yes, and act on something you have been trying to ignore. Are you ready?