relationship health

Surrendering to a Difficult Relationship and Finding Comfort

We mistakenly believe that relationships that are difficult are not worthy of our attention or time.

Or worse, we obsess over what to do but do nothing but think it over, and over and over. 

And at some point leaving a relationship may be the wisest decision. But leaving prematurely means you might miss an opportunity to really grow and gain essential wisdom. 

My suggestion is first to surrender to the difficult relationship. Because it let's you know what you really want, and own it.

So how do you know what to do about a difficult relationship? Surrendering can be taken in steps ~

1. Identify why you began the relationship. Be clear and precise about what you were seeking in it.

2. Assess what you want from it now. Be clear and be precise.

3. Ask for what you want. Be clear in your communication. If you are clear in yourself, you will be clear in your communication. If you are not clear in yourself, go back to step 2. 

4. Get an answer from the "other" about whether they are willing or interested to have and give, what it is you want to receive and offer, in this relay-tionship. Remember it's about both of you, it's about a back and forth. The dynamics change when BOTH people want change.

5. When the relationship is causing difficult feelings to come up for you, take time to know what the feelings are and what your expectations behind the feelings are.

6. Do your shadow work! When you are bothered by a quality in someone, ask yourself "how does this quality live in me?"

7. Trust your heart to move through the process honestly and authentically. Without authenticity you suffer and others do too.

What you want matters. If you don't claim it forthrightly, it often goes underground and makes life messy. It's courageous to own what you want.

What stops you from saying what you want in a relationship? Share that right here  and we can support you to grow in any difficult relationship you are experiencing.

Do You Want Love? Learn to Re-Open Your Heart

Who isn't searching for love, the kind that feels comforting, supportive and safe? We are hard-wired to desire this because it is connected to our potential to thrive. Many years ago in ground-breaking research, babies who were fed, but not held, experienced the syndrome of failure to thrive. Failure to thrive means minimal growth and lack of vitality for life. We all need love and human nurturing to grow fully. Your heart holds the key

Why then, are so many of us frustrated with the condition and quality of love in our lives? I believe it is because we were not shown or taught how to give and receive love well and fully. Many of us learned how to wall off our hearts rather than to open our hearts and tenderly connect with others. One of the processes I love guiding clients through is the re-opening of the heart.

Re-opening the heart requires immense courage as well as particular support and encouragement. When you have come to believe that the world is not safe, that others are not trustworthy or that your heart will be broken and battered yet again, closing off the heart energetically is the unconscious but effective way to keep hurt out. And guess what? It also keeps love out. Thus, failure to thrive.

At the beginning of re-opening the heart, we learn to first acknowledge the heart and how it is speaking, often crying for attention. We learn to listen, to accept, to grieve the past and to gently breathe energy back into the heart. We turn our loving attention to self and create a safe environment within where we can self-nurture and ultimately heal. We learn to release judgment, particularly of self, the action that keeps the heart closed tight. We come to understand the importance of grieving consciously, of letting go of past disappointments, of past hurts and betrayals, so that we can live fully in the now. We learn to develop healthy boundaries, one of the most essential and often difficult tasks for women who want to live balanced, loving, and happy lives.

If you are feeling like you don't experience the love you desire in your life, you can change that. When we learn to let go of the Cinderella syndrome as the answer to living a loving life, we set ourselves onto a path of learning how to let love in, in a multitude of wonderful ways. If you need help because you know your heart is walled off, I am here for you.

For those in the Richmond area, attending my workshop on Creating Loving Relationships in November will offer you ideas about how to create new patterns for opening to love consciously. You might find October's workshop, Creating Life Balance, another place to start, where you can identify what your priorities truly are and how you can reset your priorities for a more loving lifestyle. Or commit to understanding how to put all your emotional energy to use and become a powerhouse to fuel your life well by attending my workshop series on Using Your Emotional Energy Wisely. Expect to learn great life skills when you attend my workshops!

Will You Love Me Forever?

OKAY - here it is - sorry for the unfinished posts before this! I am STILL having trouble with my publishing. Oh my!

I hope you enjoy this video post! Kinlen Wheeler and I discuss the way our inner self craves a partner in the world to hold us and love us well but often struggle to create that experience with another. In this video we talk about the need to feel full and loved regardless of whether we are in a primary relationship or not. We talk about co-dependency and the way our culture pushes us to look outside ourselves to get our needs fulfilled rather than finding that inner fulfillment from self-understanding and knowledge. Here is part I!

I'd love to create a dialogue with readers about any challenges you are experiencing in your primary relationship so that we can collectively consciously transform these important relationships into places where we learn to thrive in fulfillment and comfort.