I tiptoe through the house shortly after 4 am. I put on the teakettle, straighten the kitchen a bit, start the dishwasher. Remembering last night and falling sound asleep on the couch then making my way quickly into bed, I consider the disregard for a tidy kitchen upon awakening. Sometimes you let go. The body tells you to. I take my tea into my meditation space and sit. Such gratitude floods me as I realize I can sit today without the pulling fatigue of my body, without the deep desire to just lay down. Enjoying the next half hour, I simply am aware of the difference of feeling a sense of wellness within. Prayers of thankfulness arise.
Work calls me forth. Three days of letting it go, being mostly still and resting. Taking care of my body with regret and inner resistance. I see it more clearly now and I am sad.
I walk to the kitchen and refill the mug. I step onto the deck and feel the lingering warmth of the night, before the cold front comes in later. The early rain begins, light drops fall and I lift my face to the sky to feel them, to welcome the renewing water that falls toward me. Tears spring forth, and I want to forgive myself.
- I forgive myself for becoming impatient and judgey as soon as I feel unwell.
- I forgive myself for wanting antibiotics so that I can feel better in a snap and get on with my work and feelings of productivity.
- I forgive myself for still having an inner critic that wants me to be well, all day every day.
- I forgive myself for not appreciating all that my body does for me, every day – I breathe, I release, I walk and talk, I hug and write, I sleep and eat, the opportunity to feel love.
- I forgive myself for feeling such disappointment at losing days of accomplishing effort toward my goals.
- I forgive myself for not readily allowing the need my body has right now to restore its balance, to regain an alignment, perhaps growing in ways I cannot understand.
- I forgive myself for still working with these old patterns that work hard at holding on and not allowing a more consistent peace within.
The war is over. Peace descends and I am grateful. This is the practice of learning how to end a war from within. Peace is a practice, often of deep forgiving.
What are you at war with inside? I’d love to hear your challenges. I hope you are inspired to forgive today. What needs forgiving?