Are you at War?

I tiptoe through the house shortly after 4 am. I put on the teakettle, straighten the kitchen a bit, start the dishwasher. Remembering last night and falling sound asleep on the couch then making my way quickly into bed, I consider the disregard for a tidy kitchen upon awakening. Sometimes you let go. The body tells you to. I take my tea into my meditation space and sit. Such gratitude floods me as I realize I can sit today without the pulling fatigue of my body, without the deep desire to just lay down. Enjoying the next half hour, I simply am aware of the difference of feeling a sense of wellness within. Prayers of thankfulness arise.

January_InnerPeace

Work calls me forth. Three days of letting it go, being mostly still and resting. Taking care of my body with regret and inner resistance. I see it more clearly now and I am sad.

I walk to the kitchen and refill the mug. I step onto the deck and feel the lingering warmth of the night, before the cold front comes in later. The early rain begins, light drops fall and I lift my face to the sky to feel them, to welcome the renewing water that falls toward me. Tears spring forth, and I want to forgive myself.

  • I forgive myself for becoming impatient and judgey as soon as I feel unwell.
  • I forgive myself for wanting antibiotics so that I can feel better in a snap and get on with my work and feelings of productivity.
  • I forgive myself for still having an inner critic that wants me to be well, all day every day.
  • I forgive myself for not appreciating all that my body does for me, every day – I breathe, I release, I walk and talk, I hug and write, I sleep and eat, the opportunity to feel love.
  • I forgive myself for feeling such disappointment at losing days of accomplishing effort toward my goals.
  • I forgive myself for not readily allowing the need my body has right now to restore its balance, to regain an alignment, perhaps growing in ways I cannot understand.
  • I forgive myself for still working with these old patterns that work hard at holding on and not allowing a more consistent peace within.

The war is over. Peace descends and I am grateful. This is the practice of learning how to end a war from within. Peace is a practice, often of deep forgiving.

What are you at war with inside? I’d love to hear your challenges. I hope you are inspired to forgive today. What needs forgiving?