Growing Self-Trust

I will share a brief message today. It has been close to 4 weeks that I have been experiencing feeling sick more days than not. Flu-like symptoms have shifted and changed with treatment from prescription medications. My inner energy has not returned for more than a day, and even then, as I monitor closely how I am feeling, I am aware that something is still not right with my health. During the days when I have been rebounding I have been able to keep the basics of my work life going, but sadly, have also cancelled some meetings and self-directed activities. The following is what I have seen happen as I have stayed closely in touch with my inner world. Through it all, I have rigorously observed how my mind has attempted to judge me for feeling sick. I have stopped myself from following through with judging messages. My patience with extended compromised health has waned and needed pumping internally so that I rally with further patience as the days turned to weeks. I have had to remind myself often to be kind, speak kindly inside to myself, affirm that my body is self-healing, and will indeed find its way back to wholeness in the specific way that is a perfect expression of the full me, today. That may look different from what I want, but I trust it is a truthful expression of me. I have fought with guilt as it arises for being a "boring spouse", and for not forging rapidly forward with my new project that is so important to me. Telling the guilt to move on, you have no place here, I am simply being me today and living in touch with my needs. Look at all that is keeping me busy as I "watch" and respond to my inner life! I am actively developing healthier inner habits. Today I had a beautiful note from my daughter after I declined a phone call from her last night. It was hard to do, but I felt incapable of having a conversation without suffering with how I was feeling physically. Shortly ago, I received an email from her, checking in with me and giving me her kind and loving words of care. Here is part of her message, " and actually the advice i wanted to seek from you last night you gave me with your silence, sounds crazy but it was exactly what i needed. so i'm sorry you weren't feeling well but i still get to say thank you for helping me :) ". This was a big "Yes!" to me. It said, good job Laurel for allowing yourself to be just where you are right now. Not only was it taking care of me, but saying no inadvertently was taking care of another in my willingness to accept my limitations. Sometimes we need to be reminded that even when it seems that we are letting someone down, it might turn out to be helping support their highest good in the end. Such vital life lessons to be had.

As I forge new territory of acceptance, I also learn to be trusting more. Trusting myself and a higher order that is not necessarily clear to me, from my small perch in Virginia - a tiny speck on this enormous home called Earth.