The Hardest Thing

What is the hardest thing for you to do? I have been thinking about my hardest thing and wondering how I will master it. Yesterday morning, surrounded by family, in the middle of our morning routine, I posed this question to others. What is the hardest thing for you to do? What is it that you avoid, move away from? What do you dislike, what makes you uncomfortable thinking about doing it? We each had a turn to share and talk a little about our individual "hardest thing". I felt less alone even though we each had different hardest things. So here I go. I am now venturing into the territory of facing and mastering my hardest thing. I have prepared incredibly well to face my hardest thing. It's part of what has kept me from doing my hardest thing. I have practiced my craft of helping others in a coaching capacity. I am quite proficient at the process. My teaching experience, my ability to get up in front of people and talk about a subject that I am considered the expert in, is vast now. I have written two manuscripts, been writing creatively weekly. Having a vibrant and healthy family life has been an essential to me. So much so that I have put my personal interests and professional dreams on the back burner so that I could focus my time and attention to leading our family into the next phase of our collective evolution. We have a handful of leaders now with a common vision and dream. We will find our way there collectively. I can let that grow with less tending now.

My house is in order. I feel my most productive and creative when I feel that my house is in order. I can not say that I clean and organize as a way to avoid my hardest thing. But do I? Maybe deep down inside that is the truth. And now do I write more to avoid doing my hardest thing? My comfort with writing has been growing, I love the process, my process. My process of focusing in on what is difficult, what I am learning, how I am growing inside, and through this process deepening my understanding of the human condition, then taking that inner awakening and putting it into words - this has become a craft that I believe I have developed great skill at. So how I do I keep moving away from doing my hardest thing?

Well, in order to move away from my hardest thing at this point, I would need to come up with new excuses, more preparation work. But it is getting really uncomfortable for me not to do my hardest thing. During the day, my "work" day, I am able to structure my life and work as I desire. My client sessions fit readily into my days and the balance is left for me to organize into my day as I wish. One of my next big goals is to launch my website. My timeframe is this spring. How many days are left to this spring? Four. Will I be launched? No. But I am happy to say that I am close. Am I avoiding it? No. But I am taking my time. I needed help with this big task. I am not really proficient at asking for help. Thus the delay. My website will be launched in early July. I am committed to this.

So you are probably wondering by now, what is my hardest thing? Let me tell you. My hardest thing is promoting myself. I am naturally an introvert. It is my default position. I turn inward. This facing outward and putting Me on display has never come naturally or easily. At least not that I am aware of. What I am also well aware of is that when I do it, put myself in front of others and talk about myself or teach or lead a group, I love it! I receive so much from the experience. Moving beyond the nervousness of beginning is an achievement each time I do it. So I am not shying away from that at this point; thankfully I have enough experience that I can fall back inwardly and know that part will be just fine. It the packaging myself up for the world to decide - do we want her or don't we? My old fear of rejection lurks in the background causing me to pull away. My discomfort with being the center of attention rises within and I find myself holding back so that I don't have to face the discomfort. Standing up and saying: I am valuable, I have something important to offer, I want to change the world by being all I am, this declaration is scary and uncomfortable. Sure I tell others to do it, I lead them through the difficult places within that hold them back from doing this. Now I have led myself to the threshold of doing it for me. It's time to walk through the door.

So here I am. I am announcing it to the world. The hardest thing for me to do is to promote myself. What would I tell my client about doing the hardest thing to do? Get about doing it. Your fears and insecurities will continue to keep from doing that hardest thing as well as your old conditioning. And I believe on the other side of that hardest thing is your potential to become more of you, to find a life of fulfillment and joy. As I listen to my own advice, I am taking it. I am looking to my support system to be there for me as I step into this unknown and frightening territory. I am moving slowly and mindfully forward, taking each step carefully, but moving, not stopping and letting inertia and fear take over. I know how this can happen if I let it. But I am in the place of real change, when staying put is more uncomfortable than the idea of moving forward. So it's time for me to promote myself, to claim my stake in the cyberspace that connects us all. I am well prepared for it, can see the ways in which my life and experience have organized to lead me to this place and this time. I see the ways the universe has pointed me in this direction, the way those pointers have merged with my inner desires and now I am standing at the threshold. And now I am walking through the door.