My writing has not been flowing. Thus the lack of a new blog post. But today I am committed to speaking through this medium. Here I go. I have been busy with family. I have been emotional the last few days. I have felt stirrings within, unrest that I have yet to fully understand through my mind. I notice the dynamics around me. I am aware of what I do not like. I am aware of what I do like. I am aware of how I am disappointed, and what pleases me. I am feeling these feelings and sorting through them all; still the unrest. I don't want unrest. Ah, there it is. Resistance. Now let it be there, just notice.
I like being cheerful daily and feeling strong. For those who read my blog regularly, I made a commitment at the beginning of this year to exercise daily. I have been doing this nearly every day. I do allow a day or two off a week, listening to what I need. But I have stuck to my cardio plan and it has felt quite good. I have always exercised. I have been disciplined about it. I can't say I like it often (although I did take my first Zumba class at the gym and had a blast!), but I love the way I feel when I have established a routine and feel strong after a workout. It helps me stay in touch with my authentic inner power. And it reminds me everyday though my actions - I care for you body - thank you for housing my spirit well these days.
Anyway, I want to feel cheerful every day! Temper tantrum here! I want, I want, I want. Oops. Yeah, I am not that great at temper tantrums, they make me feel a little foolish. I guess that's because I know the futility of them. So after that little bit of agitating, back to dealing with my inner truth. Of which I have yet to discover the fullness. And this is the journey. The one that many shy away from and, well, fear. That inner journey to our truth, through the muck that is messy and can be dark and unpleasant to pass through.
With my resistance, what am I afraid of? What do I not want to see in me, and can see outside of me, in others? Am I willing to open to this, all the way, not just part way, and see how I am all of it? Like it or not. And where can my old inclinations still pull at me, the confrontation avoidance, the people-pleasing? It can still disguse itself well, or play it really small so it could go unnoticed. I need to be crafty to see it these days. And when I do see it, I need to pounce - get right to it, don't let it think it can have it's way again. Oh, no. Done with that.
But mostly I think this is about acknowledging and speaking truth. I want to live that way, moment-to-moment. Across the board, all my relationships. And especially with those I deeply treasure, with whom my daily life is built around. They deserve my inner truth as I want to hear theirs. I want to become so accepting and loving that it is all just okay, no judgment, no personalizing, just allowing. Even in my unrest I want this, I want to turn this action on me, this allowing, this non-judgment, this acceptance. And I believe, with all my heart, that my answers will surface. What I need to see, what will serve me well will be revealed. Time will offer this gift as it always does.
So what hit me today was that my long string of cheerfulness was simply a version of going quiet within, of finding that plateau place where not too much seems to be going on. But this time it came with such fullness, such inner consistency and contentment that I overlooked that it was a grace period, a time of just living in the moment and being aware that this is me! I am here, just living. Simple. The stirring within reminds me, I can be more. I am more. As I allow, accept, open, I can see more of me. And that means more of you, and her and him. And suddenly, what I once resisted, expands my boundaries and I feel stronger, more whole, more full.
And then quiet again, before the next stirring. And so it goes.