A dear friend recently remarked on my writing about my family experiences of late. She said that my time with my father sounded rewarding. This took me aback because I would not have described my recent experiences using the word rewarding. Her mention of this has stayed with me, causing me to question what was happening within me in this family reconnection. Quite a lot was happening internally, but it has felt quiet and calm, some of it subtle. I thank my friend for honestly reflecting to me and sending me on an inward search, turning over pieces of gold that may have been overlooked in the intensity and swiftness of the circumstances. My time with my father has been healing. I have experienced my dad in a different light; his vulnerability has put him in a new role. My parents have been independent and self-sufficient people. Needing help from their children is new to him, to them, and he has entered this space quite gracefully. His level of self-awareness has been a beautiful thing to observe and his appreciation for all efforts a constant theme. Because I had hurt feelings in the past about our relationship and desire for a stronger emotional bond, these specific circumstances of today have brought me a sense of coming full circle. That which I wished for, although it seems long ago now, this deep desire is materializing. That which I have invested much time into, my healthy inner world, found me fully ready to accept and acknowledge what is now being offered to me, a more healed family life. To be able to speak openly about family dynamics has been one of my dearest wishes since I can remember. As a child I wanted to help things feel calm and peaceful in my family. To be a part of that now feels like a completion of sorts. My respect for my sisters who are a part of this equation is an immense joy; I feel proud in working as a team to create a new family experience in all this. This feeling probably comes the closest to what I would describe as rewarding.
What I continue to sense within is this coming full circle. At the age of thirty I began my journey inward, in full force. During this early period, I spent quite some time and attention in understanding my childhood situation, our family dynamics. With that sorting through came an inner acceptance and a moving on. But deep wishes for healing and harmony lay within me, almost as if they were asleep. No longer needing my family of origin for my happiness or fulfillment, I got busy with my life and engaged in new situations, made new friends and created a new family life with my own children. My time with my family of origin was brief, relatively speaking, while I raised my own children and lived a new family experience. Coming home to my original family now, with my own children raised, this returning feels like closing a loop. It is deeply satisfying.
Often times, while working with others, we talk about trusting the process; and about not knowing what will come and learning to be okay with that. My life was just fine without having had this family experience. But I can feel a new calm and release with this particular coming full circle. I am grateful that I carried that deep wish for family healing all this time and immensely grateful that the universe has provided this, in its own time. There is more healing that can occur in our particular family, and I will continue to hold hope and an inner wish for that harmony and peace. Because it is not central to the happiness in my daily life does not mean it is not important to me or to others that I love and care for. When I think of my family members that still seem to suffer with life, I am deeply saddened, at times frustrated by their choices. But in my desire for acceptance of all life, I inwardly allow their process and move my attention gently back to what I can contribute to that is in alignment with how I wish to live today.
My reward, my gift, is feeling a part of our new family, one in which our roles are a jumble of what they once were, but still hold true to each of our individual personalities that have always made us - us. My older sister still speaks her mind readily and her wisdom can stop us in our tracks with the strength of its power. She has always been a force to be reckoned with. My youngest sister, her own reckoning force, continues to exhibit boundless energy, a heart that is always ready to help and then does what it takes – and more, leaving us often remarking “how does she do it?” And I, quiet and helpful in my own way, mulling over the goings on, still wanting us all to be happy, look at our circle with pride and still wish for each of us to be wide awake and seeing each other in full consciousness. Yes, a bold request to the universe.
Feeling thankful for all this is an understatement. Coming full circle feels so good.